Recession Etiquette

How to broach money matters with tact.

Even in this age of blogging the minutiae of our lives, talk of money still causes awkward silence. The issue, though, is often unavoidable, especially in these bear-market times. We presented the following scenarios to two local etiquette experts: Spelman alum Rhonda Hudson, executive director and founder of The Treasure Box School of Etiquette, and Mercedes Alfaro, founder and president of First Impression Management, an Atlanta-based etiquette training firm.

I think my Falcons game buddy may have gotten laid off from Delta. How do I ask if it’s true—and if he’ll be able to afford tickets? First, don’t be a lout. This is no time for the “Hey, Delta didn’t figure out you’re as dumb as you look, did they?” beers-and-belly-laughs approach. “Sensitivity is paramount; in some instances, losing your job is almost as emotional as losing a loved one,” says Hudson. Let your friend know you’ve heard about the company’s financial troubles, then ask if he’s been affected. If so, encourage him on his job hunt and let him know you understand if the games aren’t a priority. Alfaro agrees. “Twenty years ago, people used to be ashamed of getting laid off. I don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed of. It’s happening everywhere! Just make an offer: Is there anything I can do to help you?”

My good friend and neighbor’s house—my dream home—is being foreclosed. Would it be bad manners to swoop in and buy it up? Believe it or not, this predicament could result in a win-win situation, says Hudson. After asking your neighbor if there’s a way to keep the home out of foreclosure, offer to buy it to prevent her credit nightmare. “The friend’s credit is salvaged and you get the dream home!” Alfaro stresses the importance, though, of asking permission. “First say, ‘I’m so sorry this is happening to you,’ and use positive words: ‘You’ll be able to turn your situation around; it’s just a matter of time.’” Then ask if, under the circumstances, she would mind if you placed a bid on it. She may be happy the home would be going to someone who loves and appreciates it.

My office manager insists on a holiday gift exchange. In these tight times, I’d rather save any extra money. How do I bow out—or better yet, let her know there are others who feel the same way? Forget the “we feel” and stick to “I”—dragging coworkers into it is the wrong way to go, agree Hudson and Alfaro. “Put forward an alternative, like a Secret Santa with a monetary cap,” says Hudson. That way, those who want to participate may, and those who don’t won’t get called out for being Scrooge. Alfaro also proposes bringing the matter up in a department meeting. “You can always blame the economy,” she says. “Then say, ‘In consideration of everyone’s feelings, let’s examine this again.’” Contributing to a charity is another option to suggest, says Alfaro. That way the giving feels less frivolous, and everyone can donate what he or she would like.

My husband and I are retired Fulton County schoolteachers on pensions. Every year we host a popular holiday party, but this year we simply can’t afford it. How do we let people know we’re canceling while still saving face? You don’t necessarily have to turn from mensch to grinch, says Hudson. Instead, she advises, send out an invitation suggesting everyone to bring a dish. “Your friends and family would rather have a potluck than lose a wonderful holiday tradition.” If you’re dead-set on sacrificing the soiree, don’t feel like you have to divulge why. “Just say, ‘Oh, this year we decided to do something different,’” says Alfaro. “You don’t even have to say ‘for financial reasons,’ or anything like that. I think that’s very private.”

To submit a question to Hudson or Alfaro, e-mail abrown@atlantamag.emmis.com.

Rhonda Hudson
Executive Director

The Treasure Box
School of Etiquette
Direct: 678-557-9111
Email: rhudson@treasureboxatlanta.com